Empty spaces….

I used to remain extremely depressed when I was some 18 years old. Yes, you can say that I was a loner, I felt lonely in a crowded room filled with unknown people than I felt on my own. I would go to my apartment and just sit there. It used to be quiet, lonely and still. The sound of the moving fans in my room used to break the shackles of silence. I had a television in my room and I would deliberately leave it on all the time just to feel that somebody was there with me all the time. The years have rolled by and today, I am 21 years old but my situation happens to be quite similar to what it was three years ago. The biggest irony in the world is to be known by a million people and yet be so terribly lonely.

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. Well, it has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled my entire life, reputation and reason. It has been one of my desperate attempts to escape from torturing memories. The trouble with me is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely. It seems as though there is a hole in this world and I find myself walking around that hole constantly during daytime, and suddenly, I find myself falling into it during the night.

But, to be very honest, there is some sort of pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture in the lonely shore, there is society where no one intrudes, by the deep-sea, and the melodious sound it creates when it roars. Well, when I had a closer look at my plight, I got to know that there is a huge difference in being lonely and being alone. I like eating by myself. I reach home at around 8 PM every night and just watch a movie or hang out in a garden which happens to be nearby my house. I have always had to struggle in order to keep myself away from being overwhelmed by people. I have tried it on quite a lot of occasions and I have felt lonely. But, frankly speaking, no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. I believe sometimes it becomes necessary for you to be lonely in order to prove that you are right.

No one knows what true loneliness really means. I used to be a loner because of my childhood, a considerable part of which happened to be covered with fog. Well, I have a lot of people who I absolutely love and I know they love me as well. But, I don’t know why I have not been able to get rid of that feeling of loneliness no matter who I am with; it just stays there with me like a shadow. Everyone has something that chews them up and for me that thing has always been a crowded place. Whenever I am lonely, I can be my best friend. So, you can say that I deliberately chose the path leading to loneliness.

To end it all on a positive note, I would like to say that I’ve seen great men being lonely. Ah, It is not that I consider myself to be a great man:). I am a lonely little chap. Well, people sometimes set up extremely high standards for themselves that they are bound to feel lonely. But at the same time, loneliness becomes an integral part of their ability to create something out of the extra-ordinary.

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